“there’s a lot of things about life that are scary, and there’s a lot of things that i know i’m personally scared to show you. but then i think about anything you might throw at me – every conceivable bullet – and i know there’s no way i’d ever run now, no matter how scary. i’m not scared of you. the only thing i’m scared of is a life without you.”
an excerpt from an undelivered letter
a new year beckons fresh and heightened pressure to change. we let the humanist world around us influence our divine existence and tell ourselves it’s time to do things differently; diets, recalibrated dreams, uncharted travel, boundaries, less work, eating better, sleeping more. i think a new year means exactly that – it’s a new year. it means it’ll take us a few weeks or months to write the date correctly on forms. it might tickle butterflies in your tummy because you get married this year, celebrate a milestone, a big birthday, or an anniversary you’re proud of. what it doesn’t mean, despite everything we’ve ever absorbed about new year’s, is that you’re expected to fix or change anything if the timing isn’t right. because your journey is not limited by a timetable that doesn’t belong to you. you can change your circumstances, your goals, your feelings, your ideas, your dreams, your relationships any day of any year. you’re only obligation is to do for yourself whatever feels right and good with your soul, whenever your mind and your body and your heart tell you they are ready. and maybe they’re not ready january first. i think that’s why new year’s goals are so hard to stick with, because we continually try to force ourselves into these weird, overstretched, and underproved molds we may not be ready for yet. recovery isn’t stagnation. it’s another style of forward momentum on our life’s adventure.
tv shows
1. the bear
2. the white lotus
3. minx
4. house of the dragon
5. abbott elementary
sometimes i’m jealous of people who feel everything so big and out loud.
at the 1975 concert, matty healy stood centerstage under a spot and quietly crooned be my mistake to an audience of thousands, eventually dropping out as he choked on the line
“you do make me hard, but she makes me weak”
you bite down on my spine again
god, it’s freezing in here
defining moments of 2022:
- turned thirty years young
- lost that relationship
- girl gangs galore
- moved into my own place
- new job, still poor
- every excuse to dance
- recovery recovery recovery
there are things i still can’t talk about. there are things i/we/they haven’t figured out yet.
i barrel into a bar begging for a shot of booze and plop down next to two of my best girlfriends. i reiterate repeatedly that i know nothing. i don’t know what i’m doing with my life. i don’t know where i want to go. who i am. who i want to be. i don’t know when my skin will clear up and i don’t know when i’ll fit back into my old jeans. i don’t know if i’m in love or if i should quit my job. i don’t know why i dislike onions and drains so much and i don’t know when my dog will die but i know it’s already too soon.
you are more than the bad seeds people have planted inside of you. cough them up and spit them out. don’t let them touch your tongue. don’t bite down. don’t give them the satisfaction.
another year of unknowns, another year of someone lying to you and letting it slide. another year reminding your friends they deserve better knowing they won’t listen. another year of your friends reminding you that you deserve better and knowing you won’t listen. another year of no shows. another year of shrugging it off. you’re just too quiet. you don’t feel as big or out loud about that stuff.
behind you is a sidewalk riddled with sloppy half-digested seeds.
this was the year i awkwardly side-hugged and said goodbye to the career i thought i always wanted. figured i’d try aiming in every direction for a while. what a mindfuck.
music
1. preacher’s daughter – ethel cain
2. renaissance – beyonce
3. moMINTS – tobe nwigwe
4. being funny in a foreign language – the 1975
5. MUNA – MUNA
6. five seconds flat – lizzy mcalpine
i was sad for a second about someone who dumped me, then i remembered i’d been begging them to want me since the day they met me. and then i stopped being sad. and now, whenever i’m ready to try again, i know i won’t be with anyone who doesn’t see me as a resounding fuck yeah!
if boys are your biggest problem, maybe take a quick inventory of the world we’re living in and go pray about that.
“ugly is in.” - julia fox, the people’s princess
this year i’ve had to accept that i don’t fall in love as easily as everyone else. i think it’s lovely that some people can do that – loving everyone and everything in such rapid succession that you’re never bored. i wish i could do that. i love slow and cautious. it’s not nearly as electrifying.
i find that when love bombs, it obliterates.
movies (an incomplete list because i am way behind)
1. bones and all
2. men
3. everything everywhere all at once
living and loving, especially at the same time, isn’t easy. life isn’t easy. but she is beautiful.
what permissions would you give yourself if you weren’t scared?
what would you say to yourself?
what would you say to them?
what would you do today, tomorrow, over the next five years?
what would you wear?
what would you change?
what would you keep close to your heart?
what would you let go?
what would you be excited about?
what would you say out loud of you weren’t scared?
concerts
1. bleachers
2. muna
3. lady gaga
4. field medic
5. hippo campus
6. jojo
7. sawyer
8. the 1975
questions i’ve asked repeatedly this year:
what kind of bug are you?
what kind of bean are you?
how is your heart?
be honest.