Being human is violent. Whiplash. The absurdity of life – the nerve, the rain, the mud. Life happens and we pick at our skin for more. I haven’t written in months, arguably anything worth breath in years, because life happened and keeps happening and I’ve shielded myself from anything but logical, meticulous, painstaking plan-making. I don’t feel much these days. Chaos versus order – that’s what I’ve scribbled in my latest journal. Where did the chaos go?
My dear friend and I made a list of rules this summer as we clawed our way to the surface of something easy and meaningful. Surprisingly, the two can coexist. I was thrown from a relationship this summer that was never mine to begin with. When you have to convince someone to love you wildly – to let go of what they know and to feel something new – that is not your bend to break. Break open for someone who sees value in recklessness. What is love if not wrecking and a reckoning?
My friend experienced something similar when a dumb boy did dumb boy things. She experienced cruelty, as is any action that steals someone’s love with a promise and only burns it to ash. She and I have experienced worse, but the honey will always sting.
Rule #2: it’s so easy not to do certain things (it’s literally so easy)
Rule #8: have a reason (just any)
I’ve challenged myself to stop losing my goddamn mind when I text a typo.
Imagine the world we would build if we all just communicated. Imagine telling someone exactly how you feel. Or telling someone exactly what you want. Telling your friends how much you love them, saying it back, curating a life void of un-answers. If you’re reading this, I love you. If you’re reading this, I hope I’m able to say it to your face soon.
I turned thirty and I wrote:
my body invokes god
sculpted in her image
out of sight, out of mind
ruled and regulated by men
less persuasive as it buckles from age
anything is only ever for my body
my body is your body
your curvy girl
they never told me i would expire by thirty-five
they remind me i am designed to lose
it’s been thirty years and i have no plans
it’s been thirty years and i am still alone
it’s been thirty years and i still can’t read a map
or i would’ve been everywhere by now
out of sight, out of mind
if i’m out of your sight, i’m out of my mind
i am not on your mind
If someone is on your mind, text or call them.
A list of poignant things I’ve heard recently:
1. “Say it.”
2. “I fall in love every day.”
3. “But is that what you want to do?”
4. “This is the version of you we’ve been waiting for.”
5. “Honesty is and will always be the kinder choice.”
I fall in love with the idea of falling in love and I am scared to love, and I will devour love before she can take a bite out of me. I consume love. I chew her up and spit her into your mouth. I love you. But I do not love.
Rule #13: fix it
I think the biggest lesson I continue to learn and perfect in all its unpredictable imperfections is the art of forgiveness. When you approach life through a panoramic lens and remind yourself that we’re all just doing our best - when you seek to heal old wounds even if it means opening them up for a night under cauterizing stars – something striking spills out and over. Snow-capped mountaintops. One of the most meaningful relationships I’ve made this year was born from bile. I was able to reintroduce myself to an old best friend. I’ve bathed in the beauty of release and new life since. Believe in change, just as you have changed.
My least favorite phrase is, “I love _____, but I can’t pull it off.” Yes, you can. All it takes is confidence. You are a rockstar. Stop worrying about what anyone else thinks. Do you love it? Then it’s yours. There is enough room in every room in every year in every universe for all of us to be exactly who we are.
I’m waiting for the ping on my phone.
I’m afraid everyone thinks I’m crazy.
I don’t have much else to say.
Here’s to a future of joy and happiness and healing.
I love you.
Rule #3: everyone have fun
x, d